We have no idea if you were or werent abused, but we wouldnt say that anything here does (or doesnt) point to abuse. The fact that I might go to hell, If there is a hell, scares me and so i cant kill myself. I am going to do whatever it takes to start to move beyond this. I rebuilt myself from scratch and am a confident independent, 20 years old woman. I dont remember if he touched my crotch or not but I feel as if he did. I always got hit as a kid for bad behaviour and I dont think it really affected me just made me think twice before I acted. In that aspect I feel Im ok and coping well. I have little to no memory of my childhood. Ive been told that having sex I perform almost methodically or robotic not putting any real sense of emotional attachment into it, again afterwards feeling ashamed like I need to leave right away from it. Hi.im 16 and have many of the symptoms listed above and im terrifiedi have one or two memories of my older brother playing a game in his room, including him making me lick his below area and him doing that to mei feel guilty, validated and started self-harming around 10(started not from this from him being physically violent), progressing to worse Self-harm cutting- at 13. I was also born in Africa Sierra Leone during the blood diamond war where rape by far was one of the most utilitized weapon. We arent quite sure of all of what happened as you just describe one incident. And what matters about abuse is not exactly what did or didnt happen, but that if you feel you were abused, you get help with the symptoms it has left in your life and find ways to manage despite them. (Read our article on how to navigate such a conversation here bit.ly/talktoparents.) There is a lot more but its too much to type. The mind will spend hours making up stories or possibilities, some might be true, some not. But I still seem to have issues surrounding having sex. It is never ever too late to seek support to deal with trauma. You also say your Dad wasnt present so we are gathering you came from an unstable home. Okay so let's get started. Then do try to find professional support as soon as possible, whether that is a counsellor or psychotherapist with expertise around sexual abuse, or a local support group. So I inboxed him word for word what she told me from the recording and asked him for a death bed confession. All the other times we were just sort of alone and I cant remember what we were doing. When I did remember this about my dad it was such a small memory with so little detail and I felt that it didnt distress me and I didnt feel mad at him about it, which I thought was a good thing and thats how it should stay so I just put it out of my mind. We wish you good luck! I dont have any memories of him treating me sexually, or touching me inappropriately, but my mom has said that she was really creeped out by his relationship with his daughters, who were all adults. Not because we actually, deep down, forgive. 10. Doing something like THAT to your younger sister? I really didnt like it and got away. And that the Christian community puts a big onus on forgiveness. Hi there, its not disgusting or disturbing at all. If you are looking for permission to blame your family, thats a bit trickier, and worth looking at how that will help you or hinder you before engaging in. he thinks im over reacting. Some of us have life experiences that throw this right out of whack, such as living through child abuse. It can hold onto some memories and totally discard others, and completely transpose emotions from one experience onto another. So you might just be a normal teen going through a rough patch, that is possible, being a teen is hard! But to let you know that it sounds like he was manipulating and intimidating you, knowing you were a nervous young girl and choosing to push all your buttons and overstep healthy boundaries. There have been other minor indications that my dad could have molested me in some way. We wish you courage. They don't understand your feelings. We have an article on how to talk to parents about mental health that you might find helpful here bit.ly/talktoparents. Low because i wasnt allowed to listen to music only Christian type and i was sewing my pillow . Our mother was committed to institutions with our fathers blessing many times when we were young. If anything I can do at home or tell my councelor I Will do. It makes me cringe a lot, it really goes through me. Just being around my mother makes me panic. My mom came home from work n i remember running towards her n telling her i needed to talk to her i was scared . Its not a good idea to accuse someone of something if it puts your wellbeing at risk. Please help me to get answers. Does this mean something? Ive also had a very hard fight with depression and substance abuse. It could be that it happened, it could be a mix of memories, it could be something you watched in a film, or happened in a dream even, who knows. He should have empathy for what you have experienced and love you for your inner qualities. Did alot of sexual things with friends my age girls, one boy. I was very sexually active and very numb to the emotional connection. The kids are both adults now and are on drugs and very sexually promiscuous ,they are very angry and seem to be out of touch with reality. Best, HT. If you were living in the UK, the definition of abuse has changed and this would legally been seen as abuse, see our article here https://bit.ly/abusedefUK. I was watching a film where two boys were raped by the same man, one remembers but the other forgets. and touching my own body, especially my chest makes me physically sick. And it might be another trauma entirely that your mind is avoiding and thus you are obsessing on this one incident. I blocked all this out till now. It would be very useful for you to discuss these concerns with a therapist experienced in sexual problems and abuse. My panic attacks are extremely worse and I dont know how to get the answers I need/want. Self-harm is serious. I have not told anyone and do not feel safe writing it down onto paper for fear someone will read it. Secondly, the mind is a tricky beast. But until they invent a time machine, we just cant. As that is a hard space to be. Which are also the same symptoms of all other forms of trauma too, so its not a good idea to accuse others if we are not sure. We would sext and he would ask for pictures and then things really changed when I finally got to highschool and he was a senior. I only remember one of her boyfriends, cuz apparently we lived with him. But what wed suggest is that if you have the symptoms of abuse you seek support. As a 38y old woman with a professional career, most people around me think I grew up in a wonderful and wealthy home with loving parents who sent me to university, etc. Is there a family member you trust? I held my wifes hand while she was sliced open unaware of how close to death they all were, with the sight of her own lower half being blocked by a curtain; but I saw everything. It all started when I was 8, after sleeping over at my uncles house that was about an hour away. Otherwise, there is the option of the school counsellor which, however, can seem intimidating. Tell your therapist you find it hard to trust him or her and see what you can explore there. Something else that in hindsight is odd, I have quite disordered eating where I often starve myself with the wish to look like a child, I literally want to look like a twelve year old. I am not willing to go back to a system thats proven to consistently treat me like Im lying or too damaged to be believed, as well as invalidating my own gender identity because of my past. Finally, one of the best ways to help our loved ones is to help ourselves first and inspire by example. The brain is a very complicated thing, and unless someone creates a time machine many of us have to accept that our mind doesnt have clear memories. Now I finally told my husband what happened. Quiz: Are You Being Sexually Harassed? - Murphy Law Group, LLC What you DO know. There are other pieces of the puzzle, but it all definitely points to abuse. We understand you feel shame. You might even in the process alienate yourself from other family and friends whose support you count on, right when you need them most. Anyways if someone could please just tell me what this memory is classified as it will give me easy. I am not sure why and sex, though easy and comfortable for me, has now turned into something fear based and with low sex drive. also im sorry i know that this is all over the place but that how the night feels to me, i feel like im putting together a puzzle when i dont have all the pieces. Could you tell your mum that you feel depressed and want to see counsellor without getting into details? Our brains are designed to survive, not destruct, so if we end up with a desire to be hurt their is room to debate we have a negative coping mechanism that might arise from an experience our brain felt was traumatic. And. today im 25 years old and i have no answer about my past or why i did these things . Have you completely rejected going out with your friends or dating a new person due to your fear of sexual intimacy? They still scare me the same. Hello! That its not just you, hopefully that helps you feel less alone with it, even if you have nobody to talk to. Most of us unfortunately never know what happened, and never will unless they invent a time machine. However, it is also possible to have NOT been sexually abused as a child and to have the same problems. My Dad was arrested when I was almost 7 for inciting child abuse, although he did not abuse children himself. I know i have alot of issues. here is nothing crazy about any of this. then its always hey baby, babygirl, sweetie with a creepy ass smirk. like 10 or 11. i also have, like what was listed on here, weird moments where im suddenly uncomfortable, just little things like certain actions or certain touches or certain phrases that put me on edge. The safety of the therapy room and a good therapist who can help you navigate this memory and look at ways to handle symptoms is what matters. Does sexual talk or mere mention of anything sexual makes you very uncomfortable? Another article you might want to read regarding the tricky affair between you and this young man are here https://bit.ly/childchildabuse. I did feel a little hurt as I wanted it to be sincere, but I was excited at the same time because it was the only way I thought I could be with him. Although we would say that the best place to look at it would be with professional support. I remember when me, my mom, and my sister were in the car and I was in the backseat in one of those large car seats ( that are only for like 3 to 4 years old) and I was rubbing my self on the seat belt in front of my legs, then my mom looked back and told my to stop and never do it again. whenever someone even lays their hand or even their head on my stomach i tense up and my muscles start moving sort of like im trembling or something, i cannot even do it myself without getting the willies. But my fathers wife disliked me and always tormented me and treated me as if she didnt want me there. Or insist that you be allowed to see a counsellor? We get caught up in cycles of self hatred. He hasnt touched me inappropriately in years now but I know my mom should now this because they have a son together my baby brother he is now 5 years old and really think he has also touched him inappropriately and I have such anger in my heart it hurts so much but seen all these strong women charging their story encourage to share mines because even though it hurts I know I could get through it with Gods help. I dont know, maybe Im just neurotic, but at this point in my life, I dont know how to get out of my fantasize world. Its not going to come from going over and over the question of what happened but by deciding, enough. All the best. No C. Not sure 2. Perhaps schema therapy. Often issues with siblings are just playing out bigger issues happening around them with parents and adults. Hi there. She asked me during class if there was anything I wanted to talk to her about. I was not able to discuss it. I do not have contact with him anymore, however, I remember how he would always want me around him and never wanted me to be alone with my Dad. Quiz. Im not sure if this is sexual abuse but when I was 7 I remeber my dad always coming home late and getting yelled at. But if you feel that you have symptoms youd like to work at healing, that is what to focus on. I have intense fears of random people and places for reasons i dont understand! I said no because I knew what she was referring to and I was embarrassed. I remember specifically someone touching, and maybe cutting my clitoris and labia when i was a very young child. It doesnt need to come out all in one day.